Memory Overload

Have you ever wondered why some of your memories are more vivid than others? Or did you actually give a thought as to where all these millions of pixels are stored & filed in your brain? Being away from home made me remember more things, places & people I thought my sophisticated brain has filed to "obsolete" or "closed," only realizing that it was just "on hold" for no apparent reason, at least for now.

Some of the reasons I see for recurring memories are:
a. you learned from this particular experience & you keep it for future use
b. you didn't learn from it & it's there to keep on biting you in the ass
c. it is a remarkable experience that has a significant impact in your life
d. it represents an extreme emotion of either happiness, sadness, sorrow or regret that you actually didn't get over yet
e. the belief that you are unable to create new memories since you still don't know any other form of happiness
f. you are just damn stuck in the past & you just can't get over reliving it again & again
g. that they do make a part of your security blanket because you find a part of you that got lost in adulthood

These days random memories just keep on raining on me even in my most active moments like you just suddenly discovered your arm, or finally remembering a song's title that was lurking at the tip of your tonque a week ago. Even if I tried so hard to understand why my brain put this particular file in the "out bin," I don't know whatever reason why it is there to give me this gush. Is it an alarm to warn me of an impending emotional danger? But in the end, I guess it is just an isolated moment to reconnect you to the "you" of the past, present & future to see how you evolved.

The way we value the people in our life is always a response to knowing that they will always be around, confident that they are still there in that same place. What we don't notice is that people move on. I guess everyone of us experience a bag of mixed emotions when we think of our parents because actually, it is us who moved on. They watch us go to embrace a new life hoping that they taught us well. I miss my parents so bad that I crave for them to bug me on the most mundane detail one more time. To find them there after you wake up in the morning & before retiring for the day. To feel those caring hands, and by their sole presence when you get sick. The sunday mornings after church where my mom never missed in bringing home goodies from puto bubong, bar-b-ques & even taho. My isolated moment of eating pomelos with my dad until our lips become so pale from almost drinking the vinegar that goes with it. We are always so sure that they will forever be there that we didn't really appreciate those little things that makes them "them." I guess you will never really get enough of the people you love & the people who really cares for you. Sometimes I still wake up not believing that I am here, so far away from the people I have come to know all my life, or do I really know them? And often, in my everyday living, I see my parents & I never stop thinking about them. Sometimes it hurts so bad not to be able to do more than just a phonecall to assure them that I am fine & doing good.

My friends also make a big part of my memory bank. Shared stories that never end until I moved & we moved on. Some we still grow with & others we grew apart. Unlike with our parents, our friends move on with us until a choice is made at the many forks on the road to adulthood. The responsibilities of adulthood do keep us busy to touch that part of you that was " you." We change by not changing at all but I believe that our very essence remain, we are born with it. We need only set it free from time to time & not allow the "you" to entirely get lost. And I guess, the sole purpose of memory pop-ups here is that your soul is calling you to touch base to the person that you are.

5 years in France is too short & too long at the same time. It's too long to be away from my parents. It's too long to be able to finally say & do the things you were too afraid to say & do before. It's too long not to be able to do the things you are now able to do for them. It's too short to have the kind of friendship I built in almost half of my lifetime. In the 5 years of being here, I realized I am having a memory overload simply because I miss them all & that it's too short to create new memories to overwrite the oldest ones. They just don't register the way they used to. The impact is just not the same. All my discoveries so far in this beautiful country will never compare to the time when Barbie & I went to the crappiest resort in Cavite & finding a sign in a secluded dark corner that says "No Parking. No Lovemaking."

I guess memories are the only thing we'll ever really get to keep in our grave. It's truly a photo album of our life, amazingly filed in our brains. I believe that memories are not only treasures, but it is who are. It is not being stuck in the past but it is the bits & pieces of you & the most important things in your life.


From Manila to Paris, then to Marseille & to the Côte d'Azur, now in Singapore, clinging to a map of three worlds, where everything becomes all relative.

1 comment:

  1. Makis, this is such a lovely writing, so deep, soul-searching and full of emotions.
    It's so true what you are saying about memories. I have suddenly a rush of them since I started blogging in my bisaya korner.
    I'm glad you have found another kind of addiction bwe he he ... ingat lang sa mga mata :-)