little doses

While the weather didn't know what to do, I was moving from the south to the north & west and back. A second visit this year from home got me busy for the past few weeks & I have mixed feelings on recovering our apartment's regular stillness & ordinary routines. It's really easier to crave for solitude than having to go over in getting used to silence again. And tasting home again is such a sweet comfort - having it twice in a year is like a candy store window you know you cannot have. Below, me & Jeanette in Basilique Sacré Coeur Paris.

Going to Paris for a couple of days got me bummed out - the metros, the crowds, the capricious weather - but seeing my sister-in-law & her mom is the only delight of Paris - I get to make Jeanette kulit again just like the old days. Apparently, we had an exceptionally warm weather in Paris that made walking more unbearable. Following the usual route from Paris, we were welcomed by the rain & cold in Lourdes. On our way back to Marseille, we had to make an unexpected detour. After being consumed by Paris & the drenching rain of Lourdes, I was never this frantic in being home. Arriving Toulouse, my left shoe's sole tore open, the train arrived, we got in, changed my shoes - in the train heading to Bordeaux. We were 20 minutes too early for the right train & the most expensive mistake I made (after 6 years of taking the train), especially if you happen to get a controller who is a total asshole. I'm boycotting any train trips for now, or until I'm able to laugh at my impromptu visit to Bordeaux.

Then there's the reconnection to the past & how the versions of yourself resurfaced. The random reminders of how you changed & how you actually miss your former versions. The
bridging to your one true home & how things will only be better if you're there to see it for yourself. On how my titas cry when they go, touched by the thought that I am so far away from family. The thing is after they've left, there was this impending hole - masked by their visit - that has been threatening me long before. What am I going to do after they leave? It's so exhausting to go over things again, justifying my neverending plans, or rather fears, and those nuits blanches that ties my stomach inside out. Those knots that remind me of my frustration when things don't go the way I hoped them to be. I am a prisoner of freedom now so uptight with normality just because I don't happen to have all the things I consider important in life. When you know exactly what you want but just couldn't have & you need to change plans. Sometimes we just receive little doses of life but potent enough to paralyze us for a moment.


From Manila to Paris, then to Marseille & to the Côte d'Azur, now in Singapore, clinging to a map of three worlds, where everything becomes all relative.


  1. Ika nga ng Radiohead, everything in its right place. Things have a way of working out. Hang in there.

  2. aw, i had quite the same feeling when my tita left from a 2 days visit in Dijon. I had a 'taste' of home which made me want for more.. cheer up dearie.

  3. Right cheer up Makis! At least you made your relatives explore and unveil the beaty of France and spend time with you even for just "little doses of felicity ". Homesick is less present ;)!

    We're back from Pay Basque, let's meet up soon! Have a great WE !

  4. Mak, baka meron ka pang culture shock, biro lang, hehe.

    Lahat ng tren at the moment, lagi may contol, may pulis, may umiikot sa loob ng tren without asking anything.
    May katabi akong pinay, halos magtago ng mukha, lol, natakuut !

    maulan nga sa north, sa marseille and nice oks na oks.
    Until now...

  5. aaaaaaaaaaw... ang cute naman ng sistah Maks ko! keep up that charming smile :)